A Reoccurring Dream

I am older than I am now, but not too much. It is Christmas Day, and I am sitting alone by the lighted tree. As darkness slowly appears, the lights of the tree glow more intensely, cutting through the fading time of day.



There are gifts wrapped under the tree. All have my name on them. I know the gifts, for I have wrapped them all. They are all of the things that I have wanted in my lifetime, but was told "no". Some were from childhood, things a child would want but parents wouldn't or couldn't purchase them. Others were from adulthood, that I denied myself for whatever the reason.



As I opened each gift, I feel good, smiling and at times making comments about it. While I sleep I feel secure during this part of the dream. I am warm and safe bundled under the covers. It all feels good, a feeling that I am not use to, the feeling of…what? I can't place in my mind when I last felt this.



Then I get towards the end. I open up a box that I do not recognize but I begin to feel fear. I find inside that the box contained "time". Sadness begins to overtake me. I remember saying to myself, "wow, I really wanted this!". The next box I opened were memories of my sons growing up. I feel very sad, wishing that the box had more of them in it. The box was almost empty. I now begin to feel alone.



Other boxes were opened. Each one had separate emotions, detach feeling of life and what was past. There was love, friendship, warmth and hope. My feelings overwhelm me. This was so familiar, but emotions had faded and were lost over the years. It woke up something inside of me, the "things" that I wanted the most and missed.



I begin to cry. I wanted to box everything up and return them, even though I was the one who gave them to me. I knew that I was alone. No children beside me, no family to call. Everything I have ever known was a lie.

  
I sat sinking in the chair, despair in my heart, staring at the wrapping paper littering the floor. As the shadows turned to true darkness, I sit watching the glowing tips of the lights, festive colors burning so bright…