A Good Man & God

I have two sons, ages 18 and 20. My love for my sons outweighs anything I have ever felt or experienced before. It's an emotion that has no end.

When my first son was born, I was there in the room. I couldn't stop crying. God can be seen in many places, but one place that can leave no room for doubt is in the delivery room. I couldn't talk. All I could do was cry and hold him when he was placed into my arms. I think that if I was in the waiting room instead of the delivery room, it would not have made as big of an impact on me that it did. God was in the room with me.

When my second son arrived two weeks past two years later, I again, was in the room. I witnessed his birth, and when he was placed in my arms, I knew that God was in the room. Same impact, but I was more subdue with my emotions. It was hard to believe that my emotions felt so much different.

As I was driving home to see my two year old and tell him that he had a brother. I began to cry, but not for the same reason as the first. I began to cry, because I didn't know how I was going to love my second son as much as my first. I felt that by bringing a second child into my oldest life, he was going to be cheated of love, as well as my youngest. I felt that it was impossible for me to love them the same. When I got home, my son was asleep. My youngest sister was with him. I watched him for a moment and went to be by myself. I remember apologizing to him for changing his world. I think I cried myself to sleep. I didn't love anyone as much as I loved my oldest, how was this going to work?

It didn't take long for me to find out how wrong I was. My bond with the newborn was growing quickly. Feeding him, changing him, reading stories to him and just holding him when I got home from work. I found a new love that was equally shared among the both of them. A change or even a re-birth of love. A love that to this day, no one can break or interfere with. God graced me with it. I don't have any other explanation for it. I can't put it into words how I feel, but I know what I feel for them. God blessed me with my children. I can only hope that they feel the same about me.

During the past 20 years or so, as they got older, I often wondered about being a Father. What did it take to be a good Father? With all of my mistakes, and my addiction, did I still show my sons what they needed to know so that they could grow healthy and move on to create their own families? The foundation of ethics, morals, belief in God, and belief in themselves. Did I correct my mistakes in time for them to see what they needed, even if it was because of my misjudgments', errors and at times, poor examples?

My Dad past away when I was 22. I consider him a role model for me. Like all of us, he had his faults, but he did show me how to raise a family, how to care for them, and how to love. I learned by watching him and listening, through his successes and through his failures. My Dad was very human. It was because of this one quality above all others that he had, I learned. He loved all of his children. He loved my Mom. I can say that any failure that I can attribute to him, came because he loved us and wanted to give.

I believe that he died too soon because first, he did not take care of his health, and second, because he wanted to give us more than he should have. My Father's life and death, gave me the foundation to be a Father to my sons. The sadness of it is, he was not around to see it. I liken it to Moses and King David. I know that I am mixing two different periods, but the lessons are the same. They were told by God to lead their people to the Holy Land and, in King David's case, to prepare the ground work for the temple. They were wise, teaching and disciplining along the way. They were weak in some areas, but strong in the ways of becoming a better person, giving praise and believing in God. But because of their humanity, Moses was not allowed to enter the Holy Land, and David was not to build the temple. Everyone knew them to be great men, but they were denied their reward in this world by God. My father never met his Grandchildren, but because of him and my Mother all five of us knows how to love our children. He taught us what and who God was by his actions.

Although my Mother was our religious leader in the home, my father was the one who showed me that it was how you conducted your life, your interactions with your peers in business and social setting as well as in the home, that made you God's product. My Father had little education in the bible, but great faith in God's simplicity of how to live life - Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. It was just that simple to him. If he was aware of this as biblical teaching, He would have quoted it as Matthew 7:12.

After his death, I knew without a doubt that he was in Heaven receiving his reward, the promises of the Bible, as described by the words of the prophets and the love of Jesus, because of one small comment made to me by one of his friends.

I was at the gas station where my Dad parked his trucks. I was cleaning the trucks out when a good friend of his approached me and asked if I needed any help. We just buried Dad, and I wanted to be alone with him and his trucks for the last time. I quietly thanked him and told him no. He said a few more things about asking for help should my Mom need it and turned to leave. He stopped and said, just as quietly as I responded to him moments before, "he was a good man". I thanked him and he left. I don't believe I ever saw him again, but those words said all to me what I needed to know about my Dad. To me it was the ultimate compliment. I always believed he was a good man, and at that moment, I knew others knew it too. God welcomed him into his Kingdom. Praise and give thanks for the true and ever graceful God.

When I quit drinking, it was in the Month of May. I know it was in the first or second week of the month, but I can't remember what day. So I celebrate it on May 3rd, a good man's birthday. He would have wanted me to stop drinking because of the destruction in my life.

I know it's early, but Happy Birthday Dad. Thank you for giving to me so early, what I needed to use and live later on.

Please click on this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUIb3Q05cfE
"I need you" performed by Jars of Clay